I still remember the moment I called home to tell my parents about my partner, and my father’s response was, “Why are you doing this to us?” His words were like a sharp knife, cutting deep into my heart. But truthfully, I consider myself lucky for receiving such a mild reaction after telling my Indian immigrant parents that I was dating a white boy. I don’t want to generalize, but Indian parents, like mine, often have strict beliefs and conservative upbringings, especially when it comes to dating.
In India, there are still outdated and dangerous relationship prejudices that persist. People are encouraged to date within their own caste, village, and region. Otherwise, there can be unbearable friction between families, sometimes leading to disownment. My parents, both originally from different Asian cultures but living in India, had a love marriage. However, this resulted in many of my mother’s family members boycotting the wedding out of disappointment. Fast forward to the past decade, and I was overjoyed to witness my cousin marrying an Irish white man, with my family accepting it with minimal resistance.
Yet, despite these changes, my parents remained surprisingly hesitant about my dating choices. They dismissed the longevity of my relationship and would still say things like, “Let us find you an Indian boy.” I sense that they fear I might lose my cultural identity, but there are also underlying prejudices they hold against white people.
To my dismay, some of those stereotypes had seeped into my own thoughts. In the early stages of our relationship, I remember bringing up the topic of marriage, which is highly revered in my culture and often the only acceptable reason for dating someone. When my partner hesitated to discuss such distant plans, I felt as though he didn’t understand the importance of commitment or the responsibility that accompanies love. I even questioned whether he could envision himself with an Indian woman.
At times, when my partner’s care for me was evident, I found myself worrying that his affection stemmed from a general fetishization of South Asian women. I feared I may just be an exotic token girlfriend, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that my preference for him over an Indian boy was rooted in the colorism I had grown up with. The skepticism my parents had instilled in me about being in an interracial couple had taken root, and it took time for me to reassess my mindset and recognize that my partner genuinely cared about me as a person.
Navigating an interracial relationship brings its own challenges, often leaving Indian individuals feeling uncomfortable or embarrassed. Convincing my partner to address my parents as “aunty” and “uncle” was met with awkwardness, which made me self-conscious. The differences in family dynamics, such as the lack of privacy, independence, and formality in my family compared to his, also created feelings of shyness within me. When he stayed over at my place, my parents couldn’t accept the idea of us sharing a bed and provided extra sheets so he could sleep elsewhere. I worried about overwhelming him with potent curries or bombarding him with religious pictures on our walls. The confusion he experienced when we drew family trees for each other, with me including all my distant cousins, highlighted the cultural differences he was encountering. However, together, we will overcome any challenges that arise.
Although I wish it weren’t so, I find validation in someone finding parts of my culture attractive or exciting. When my partner appreciates my Indian outfits as beautiful as any other formal dress, enjoys the masala chai I make for him, or finds excitement in watching Bollywood dances, it makes me feel secure in being my true self. Being a person of color in Oxford can be difficult, as moments of racism occasionally surface, but mostly it’s a feeling of loneliness and the longing to find your people or experience Indian music at a social gathering. Moving from a city and school with a dense South Asian population to a place where there are only a handful of South Asian individuals in each college has made me feel like a 24/7 ambassador of my culture and faith.
Fortunately, my partner is very understanding of these dynamics and encourages open, honest, and reflective conversations. He doesn’t try to educate me about my own experiences but provides reassurance when I feel self-conscious around others. Although his family is welcoming, I often wonder if it would be easier for everyone if he were dating a white person, as these thoughts of judgment creep into my mind. Sometimes, I hesitate to indulge when they drink excessively in public due to my reserved upbringing, and I would never feel comfortable wearing traditional Indian clothes or a bindi when meeting them. Like many others in interracial relationships, I fear appearing “too Indian,” so we tend to opt for a more palatable approach.
As my partner and I continue to learn and grow together, the feeling of “otherness” is gradually becoming less overwhelming. It’s a beautiful experience to share my culture with someone who genuinely takes an interest in my upbringing. Through this process, we challenge each other’s assumptions and stereotypes, fostering personal growth. While I have my own internal conflicts to sort out, having a supportive partner who provides space and care is truly invaluable.
Image credits: afiq fatah on Unsplash