I Found My Faith in Forgiving Life
Contents
Introduction
Have you ever experienced a period of emotional turmoil that feels impossible to endure? Lately, I’ve found myself in the midst of such an experience. It seems like the stability I had been enjoying suddenly transformed into what feels like several months of intense emotional ups and downs. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and emotional, but strangely unable to shed a tear. Desperate to release pent-up emotions, I even resorted to watching sad movie scenes and heart-wrenching commercials. Little did I know, this emotional rollercoaster was a result of the challenging aspect of Neptune in my astrological chart, combined with the presence of Chiron, the wounded healer, in my 12th house of hidden emotions and subconscious influences.
Curious about this unexpected journey, I turned to the internet for answers. However, my search yielded limited insights. Nevertheless, I stumbled upon a post by Saturn Rising that provided an interpretation that deeply resonated with me:
“The deeper meaning underlying the depressed emotional state you are likely to experience is a need to face, understand, and let go of the pain of the past…”
Understanding the Emotional Ramifications
As I delved further into this interpretation, I realized that it pointed to the importance of forgiveness. It highlighted how clinging to past hurts and nursing an unconscious sense of grievance and mistrust could subtly affect my decisions and interactions with others. It acknowledged the significance of acknowledging that life may not always meet our expectations and learning to accept it as it is, rather than as we wish it to be. This proverbial choice of perceiving life as either half-empty or half-full is crucial. If we choose to focus solely on life’s unfairness, we risk becoming bitter and cynical. On the other hand, maintaining overly simplistic or naive spiritual convictions could lead to disillusionment when life reveals its complexities. The key lies in embracing life’s mixture of shadows and light, allowing us to find the resilience to navigate the darkness while embracing the joyous moments.
Finding Faith in Letting Go
As a naturally optimistic person, I’ve always seen life through a glass-half-full perspective. Yet, this journey has shown me that there is more ground to cover in terms of forgiveness. My spiritual path began in a moment of desperation when, at the age of eleven, I found myself lost in a forest. Praying to every god I had ever heard of, I discovered faith in Jesus a few months later. Eventually, I transitioned to polytheistic paganism during my teenage years, seeking solace in magic. However, as time passed, I found my own power and relied less on deities. My spirituality evolved into a moment-to-moment, interconnected experience, where my beliefs became tools for gaining clarity, wisdom, and understanding. Despite all this, I’ve recently felt an absence of faith tug at me.
Embracing the Unknown
Confusion about the direction of my life and anxiety stemming from uncertainty have led me to rely excessively on overthinking. I’ve been desperately trying to think my way out of feelings of powerlessness. Stumbling upon seemingly insurmountable obstacles, I’ve grown frustrated. But in truth, I’ve been fixating on the question of “how?” – a question that feels impossible to answer when one is wandering through the darkness. Now, I realize that I can no longer find faith through desperation. Instead, I must find it through letting go and forgiving life.
The Power of Forgiveness
When I was just fourteen, I chose forgiveness as the topic for my school speech. Even then, I understood that forgiveness was not about absolving someone or something of their wrongdoings; it was about releasing myself from the pain that resentment brings. Over the years, I’ve diligently sought out and released pain from old wounds. I’ve worked towards forgiving specific people who have caused me harm. Yet, I never considered the concept of “forgiving life” itself. Life is an intricate tapestry of hardship and joy, vulnerability and betrayal, fear and powerlessness. It is a massive entity to forgive.
Embracing Dissolution and Release
Neptune, the planet of dissolution, combined with the influence of Chiron, offers a unique opportunity for both deepening my wounds and releasing them. During my last Neptune transit, I began writing a poetic journal titled “The Art of Dissolving.” It served as a positive creative outlet to prevent me from getting lost in a lower-Neptunian ocean of spaced-out yearning. In moments of unreasonable despair, I will allow these emotions to rise to the surface and affirm the thought that brings in light and space: forgive life.
